When I teach persuasive argumentation, I start with the same idea: if you’re going to put together a strong persuasive argument, you have to learn how to listen to your opponent. If all you do is wait to speak, a debate becomes nothing more than a screaming match where neither person is listening.

When we learn to listen and see through someone else’s eyes, something magical happens. We begin to understand other people. And when we understand others, we stop hating so much.

Our country has become so polarized, especially in the political arena, that we automatically dislike someone when we find out they don’t have the same political opinions as we do. We’ve stop seeing the human behind the issue.

Our big error in thinking is the misconception that we all perceive the world in the same way. I’ve been studying the Enneagram over the last few years, and one of the greatest things I’ve learned (and I’ve learned a ton) is that people interact with and perceive the world in different ways. To break it down to its simplest form, people primarily encounter the world through their mind (intellect), their gut (instincts), or their heart (emotions). For me, if it makes sense, then I’m on board, but other people focus more on how something makes them feel, or they follow their gut reactions to something.

Because of this, there is a discrepancy sometimes in how we understand certain ideas. Let’s take chess for the sake of example. When I play chess (and I’m not great), I try to analyze the board as much as possible. I try to understand what my opponent is trying to do and counter it. Others may not play that way. Some people play with their gut. They move pieces based on instinct. I might berate this player as an unsophisticated player who doesn’t understand the concept of chess. But if he wins the match, who’s the one who lacks understanding? At that point, I have let my perception of the game blind me to other methods of play. There are multiple ways to win at chess. Each has its own benefits.

The beauty of the Enneagram is not that I’ve learned about myself, but that I’ve learned about others. By understanding how others perceive the world, I have more compassionate toward them. I am more patient and compassionate with students in my class because I understand now why they act the way they do. I don’t get angry with them so much as I feel sympathy for them.

There is a passage from the Hagakure, the Book of the Samurai, that sums this up beautifully:

What is called generosity is really compassion. In the Shin’ei it is written, “Seen from the eye of compassion, there is no one to be disliked. One who has sinned is to be pitied all the more.” There is no limit to the breadth and depth of one’s heart. There is room enough for all…

Whatever you do should be done for the sake of your master and parents, the people in general, and for posterity. This is great compassion. The wisdom and courage that come from compassion are real wisdom and courage. When one punishes or strives with the heart of compassion, what he does will be limitless in strength and correctness. Doing something for one’s own sake is shallow and mean and turns into evil. (Hagakure, 57)

We don’t all have to think and perceive life in the same way. It doesn’t mean we have to agree with everything, only that we understand others and have compassion on them. Through this, we learn how to love those who wrong us. They’ve probably never known any other way. If someone is truly in the dark about something, they need our help, not our hate. Otherwise, we simply run the risk of further dividing an already expansive chasm.

If you’re interested in learning more about the Enneagram, here are a few books that have really helped me out:

The Road Back to You by Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile

The Sacred Enneagram by Christopher Heuertz